Episode 3 – Chicky: Cultural Learnings of Thailand for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Little Britain

Nice view

Today’s blog is brought to you live from the beach and I have included a gratuitous shot of my bare feet just to prove the point.

I apologise for the delay in the blogging I am having a bit of trouble with my sleep timings which have swung from late nights out in Patong till the wee hours to getting up early for our flight to Ko and it’s been playing havoc with my blogging mind. Two glorious days lazing on the beach and sleeping in a very comfy bed had got be back into my stride.

Not as scary as it looked

The flight into Samui was interesting we shared the very small and slightly scary plane with a group of Autralian evangelists who were comparing notes on how many converts they had managed to indoctrinate over the past few months. They were heading off to a secluded island somewhere off Samui no doubt to try and convert some of the locals.

Samui airport is just the cutest thing on earth, it’s terminal consists of four straw huts and you are ferried about the Tarmac from the plane on those things which are normally reserved for ferrying kids around theme parks and European resorts in the shape of a train or Mr Blobby.

I left you last time with the news that there was a cock up with our hotel in Samui. The owner did a wonderful rescue, putting in a nice enough hotel opposite for the night and giving us free stuff, so all was forgiven the next day as we moved into the hotel we had booked. It’s a rather cool funky pop art affair with a great Australian owner who is as much fun as the decor. The shower dribbles like a hungry dog, but that can be forgiven for all the other positives. It also has a bar attached, decorated in a similar fashion and does great food and a Happy Hour which last for five hours which can be bad can it.

Bright and Beautiful

We are at the south end of Chaweng beach which is a much quieter than the main drag further north, but

Mix your own

we only a fifteen minute walk away if we need to get some madness, so far we haven’t felt the need. Well not much, we wandered up,there the other night and to John’s delight we found a Volkswagen cocktail bar serving cocktails for the princely sum of 89 Baht. Seemed only sensible to have a few to make sure they were doing them all properly.

Stereotypes on a Beach

While doing little else but lounging on the beach I have been making some observations and have come up with some fine stereotypes for spotting where people come from, here are my bigoted, stereotypical and profoundly inaccurate measures.

Japanese you will find the Japanese dressed head to toes in 2000 SPF sun cream known to you and I as clothes. For some reason they like to come on holiday to a country where (according to Accuweather’s Real Feel index (TM)) it is 41 degrees centigrade with blistering sun
And then dress up like they were in Iceland and wander round with a brolly too. Obvioulsy tans are not cool in Tokyo

Italians this is an easy one, the beautiful and stylish people of Europe do not let us down on the beach. The men will be dressed in either red or black skin tight speedos leaving nothing to the imagination regarding their manhood and have the most perrrrrrrrrfect bodies . They arrive on holiday already the colour of deep chestnut and wander round the beach sneering at us Brits with our pink noses and burnt backs. The women share most of these qualities, but usually require the addition of waiter service from their men and adoring touches and kisses at least every 10 minutes.

Russians now these come in two sub stereotypes, let’s call them Russian A and Russian B. Russian A is the standard variety, and consists of a male female couple of similar size, about three times the clothing size of the Italians and will be quite loud and demanding of the waiting staff. He will also be wearing speedos very similar to the Italians, but in his case they will be acid house multiple coloured affairs and in fact quite difficult to spot given his body shape obscuring the tiny nature of these garments. Russian B is however am altogether difference different affair. Russian B’s are either oil, steel or industrial millionaires or part or the mafia. He is in fact the exact same shape as Russian type A and wears the same attire, however there is usually a stick insect about 40 years his junior clinging to his arm. No doubt this pecuniary advantage the rich Russians have attracts these strange creatures to them. A bit like flies. Round shit I suppose.

There was a type B in the pool with his insect and they were heavy petting as I tried to swim around them for my morning dip, I did my best international ” get a room face”, and eventually they went off to heavy pet somewhere else.

We are lazing at a beach front hotel by tipping the pool man a few hundred Baht and again enjoying the facilities of a very nice hotel, but not actually paying for it. John’s wheeler dealer skills certainly come in handy yet again. The pool man who John did the deal with is also my new best friend since he discovered that I am a Man U fan, he claims it’s his UK team, although I bet he say as that to all the boys!

Tomorrow if the weather holds as steady as it has been we are off snorkelling and island hopping for the day, it is just too hot to lie in the sun at the moment.

Samui so far

And another beach

First impressions have held up it is a much more relaxed and chilled place than Patong. So our days have consisted of breakfast, beach, bathe, afternoon massage, lunch, afternoon beers, back for a snooze then out for some more delicious Thai food.

The beach is about two miles long and apart from today I have managed to do a good 40 minute walk up and down it in attempt to keep the holiday food and drink at bay. The Thai people remain lovely friendly and warm and making you feel at ease. Today as I was putting the finishing touches to this blog we attracted a crowd of around six of the hotel staff who wanted to see the iPad in action and we had fun with them especially, the google maps, they all wanted me to zoom in to where they lived on the island and got excited when we could see the roof of their house, nice little moment that.

There are hawkers on the beach, but a polite shake of the head and they leave you alone, I think they are regulated as they wear an ID badge and there aren’t that many of em so it doesn’t spoilt your beach, unlike the bloody boxing marketing (vid below if it works).

The sea is just a beautiful emerald colour and today has been calm now that the full moon has passed. The last few days the waves have been crashing in, but that in itself was lovely when you are having your massage on the beach all you can hear is the Thai chitter chatter of the masseuse’s and the waves rolling into the beach a very peaceful special moment..

Movie Time

I will risk crashing the wireless in the hotel and add some videos of some of our exploits so far. If there is just blank beneath this you know what happened.

The first is of me being Dirty Harry.

In Patong you would see at night a truck parading up and down the main drag advertising Muay Thai boxing. It’s the national sport so why not, but I pissed myself when I saw this long boat parading up and down the seafront doing the same,