By December 19, 2009 Read More →

The Kultural experience continues in Kuta

The Journey to Ryanair Hotel

Well another transfer day today, this one by road, we leave the high culture and temporary immersion into Balinese life in the villages and head straight for low culture  – hedonism heaven in the form of Kuta.  You will recall our brief trip their last week and the resulting hangover and my description of it as Blackpool on acid.  After our 1st 24hrs here lets see if that description still holds?

We knew that these last two days in Kuta were going to be low brow so we matched the hotel to that theme.  In other words we went cheap so there will be no drooling over hotel toiletries or piccys of posh rooms here.  Although for the princely sum of £14 each per night – we get a fair size room with a plasma TV, air con, room safe, breakfast and tea and coffee making facilities (with no added wildlife!).  So one can’t complain really.

Its full of families with the population of Chavsville fairly well represented on that score.  On our walk to the room we saw a couple in the pool  surrounded by their four kids and each of the parents has a bottle of Bintang in their hands conversing in a foreign language which I was able to ascertain was Slurrish.  It is an oft used dialect based on the English language preserved for English people on who temporarily inhabit pissedville.

So off we go and explore Kuta’s nether regions  a little more.  After our brief night playing out here  last time we thought we would head further North as we knew that Legian and Seminyak, two resorts further up the coast, were a little more classy than central Kuta getting down with the kids.

A walk on the Gay Side 

Following our conversion to energetic activities yesterday with the bikes we decided we would be brave and walk all the way up the beach to Seminyak. Google maps said this was a walk of about 5½ kilometres.  So we did, now dont’ get me wrong it was a great way to see the different resorts and also realise that Kuta has a gentler side.  But we were absolutely dripping by the time we reached Seminyak so the only thing for it was t down a few beers and cool off.  They should try this for those at the end of the London Marathon, sod all that isotonic crap, just down a few beers.

We were also drawn to Seminyak because that’s where the local Gay bars are located – It is homosexual law that these must be located in the classier part of town – natch, darling.

As we had enough exercise for the day we grabbed a cab and went back to the hotel for a freshen up – splashed on a bit of cologne picked out attire appropriate for a gay bar (do you know how difficult this is – get it wrong and you could be ostracised for life for the simplest of poor fashion choices) and then prepared ourselves for immersion in Balinese gay cultural nightlife.
I will go off on one here and talk a little about traffic in Kuta.  When planning this new resort the upper echelons of transport planning in the Balinese government were obviously all taking a crap because the traffic here is just awful and moves at about the same pace as Central London traffic did before our Ken introduced the congestion charge; thus ensuring that henceforth only rich people could drive in Central London.  So to get the 5km to Seminyak in a cab takes about half the time it took John and I to walk it.  A bit crap really – but on the plus side all the cabs are metered, it costs about £2.50 and they all have wonderful air con.  So one cant complain.   Well I can cos I like moanin, but I will stop for now.

The Secret Gay Formula

Now I know not all my readers will have experienced gay bars, but let me tell you how it works.  You open a bar for gay men – design it beautifully with arty wallpaper, furniture, hire cute looking barmen and waiters and miraculously it fills with boys who like boys who will pay over the odds to drink in a place that is filled with people just like them.  In addition, you put on the following entertainment  – men dressed as women miming to classic gay anthems and intersperse this with men dancing with very little on and who have perfect Adonis oiled bodies.

There you go that’s the formula, and guess what – Bali gay bars are exactly the same which is great, because the formula has been tried and tested the world over and you don’t mess with the formula its the law.

However, we were treated to a real bonus last night, who should be second up but Whitney Housten herself.  I know she has been through a lot lately but Jesus lowering herself to these type of venues  – c’mon girl get a grip and get yourself back on the circuit and get another  hit out soon or you’ll be appearing at Blacpool Central pier next year.  I don’t care if you dont’ believe me I have the photographic evidence to prove it so there.  Just for the pleasure of my lady blog followers I have also included a gratuitous shot of one of the performing Balinese bodies.

We wish you a Balinese Christmas

As we were leaving the Ubud hotel we were asked if we would like to wait in the hotel bar as our transfer car was about ten minutes away.  I wish we hadn’t.

But, first a little digression  – we come away at this time of the year to say “bah hot climates to Christmas “and get away from all the bad TV adverts and e-mails from Amazon, Argos,, Maplin and others with their daily fucking reminders about how many days you have left to order to guarantee delivery for Christmas.  Oh and don’t get me started on the news items discussing latest betting on whether it will be a white Christmas or not.  Even frigging CNN International and BBC World news channels are at it now given the snowfall which has descended on you at home.  I have also enjoyed the irony of this as the previous item was discussing the “maybe they will,  maybe they wont “actually agree minuscule cuts to pollution to save the world from ecological disaster in Copenhagen.  Right back to the story.

Well we were subjected to the most awful musak I have ever listened to in my life.  Now you know bad elevator musak is bad and (here I go again) that god awful re-interpretation of Christmas classics that department stores do so they don’t actually have to pay full commission to the performing arts society.  Well it was ten times as bad as that – we had to endure Balinese instrumental reinterpretations of favourite seasonal classics such as Jingle Bells,  Auld Lang Syne and We Wish You a Merry Christmas played on the traditional Balinese metallophone instruments.  Now don’t get me wrong I love the sound of these instruments – one of the reasons why I described the Balinese theatre as mesmeric was the beautiful sounds these instruments make- but don’t bastardise them to play bloody Christmas Carols just dont’ it was awful it made my ears bleed.

Right some short thematic updates for you now

The French Customer Service

You have heard me yabber on about this before well her is another example.  Well I received and e-mail yesterday from my Internet Service Provider – Alice ADSL – in France giving me the gushing and fantastic news that as a result of recent problems with my line they have made the grand gesture of reimbursing me for one months subscription.  I nearly fell down laughing.  They have not managed to provide me with any frigging service since late July and have been merrily taking 30 euros a month from me since then while our friend in France has rang them every single week to force them to actually get off their lazy, laid back gallic arses and find out what is wrong with the line.  There I told you Customer serving in France was a joke.  I still don’t even think the line is working.

Roundabouts – I know you must be bored with these now, but I am not and so I am forcing upon you another beautiful piece of roundabout sculpture – this one is just as you enter the cultural desert which is Kuta so I thought apposite to include it in this non cultural and rather ranty blog.  I apologise for the ranting it must be my mild yet still quite throbbing hangover from last night.

Amusing signs.   – Now this one I just had to capture and it goes out to my blog inspirator Helen as she finds sweary things as amusing as I do. If you wish to order any of these sticky back signs let me know quick we leave this evening for Bangkok.  I feel sorry for Jimmy and Simon who they appear to have singled out attach the stigma of being gay. Looks like all other names are safe.   But I thought the Suck my cock Vomit was particularly inspiring. Click on the pic and see it full size to get the full effect.

The Foot, or to be correct the Feet, shot – Yes my little foot fetishists I present to you what will be in 2010 the July shot on the Balinese Foot Fetishist 2010 Calendar.  This one at Seminyak  in the grounds of a nice gay beach bar which overlooks the sea.

Right shopping is on the agenda tonight for all those things which look nice here but will mostly remain in a cupboard at home until we next move house.  Then a light meal (I think we are going to do street food tonight) and light tipple then off to the airport at 10,  Bangkok Bound – I have just realised that would make an excellent title for a porn movie – I might copyright it.  I could find those people who made that Balinese carol music and make them star in the film and punish for making bad music.

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